Feng's Enlightening Journey
by jojoDO
Summary: Tired of his daily routine, Feng embarks on an epic journey to seek inner peace. What shenanigans will occur on his epic quest for enlightenment? Rated T for language and crude humor.


**This is another of my pathetic attempts at comedy. To the person who requested this, I apologize in advance for the stupidity. Stupidity is just my style of humor, if that makes any sense. Enjoy!**

On a beautiful Tekken morning, Feng Wei was out doing what he did best: smashing big rocks and balancing stuff full of water on his body. As important as this training was, Feng Wei couldn't help but feel a growing sensation deep inside him...boredom.

"Hmm... this daily routine is starting to get old." Feng said to himself as he sat in a meditative position. Suddenly, a thought entered his mind and he leaped to his feet, the cups full of water all falling off of him.

"I know! I will embark on an epic journey of enlightenment!" Feng exclaimed aloud. He embarked without a moment's hesitation, not even bothering to shower.

Feng traversed across mountains and fields, towns and cities... just waiting for any opportune moment to arise. He wasn't sure what he was going to come across on this epic journey, but he put his faith in the great Buddha to show him the path.

After a long long time of walking, Feng realized he has walked all the way to America. His puzzlement of how the hell he even accomplished such a feat was overshadowed by the same gnawing boredom that made him go on this journey in the first place.

"Great Buddha, will something please f***ing HAPPEN ALREADY!" Feng shouted to the high heavens. At that very moment, Feng heard a very loud and obnoxious voice in the distance.

"BRING IT ON, YA F***ING ALIENS!"

"Aliens...?" Feng pondered aloud. Intrigued by the strange yelling, Feng walked towards the source of the voice. Before long, he stumbled across a large muscular man with a humongous pillar of blonde hair. it was Paul Phoenix, the Judo fighter. He was repeatedly punching what appeared to be a man in a gray alien costume.

"I'm not-GAAH! An alie-AHHH! I'm just an act- GUHHHH!" the man choked out. But the oblivious Paul kept on punching him.

"Nice try, ya alien! Your mind tricks might work on other chumps, but I'm a bit smarter than that!" Paul bellowed as he rained down blows on the poor actor's face, completely failing to notice the billboard for Scenario Campaign: The Movie which was right behind him.

"What are you doing?" Feng finally chimed in. Paul stopped punching and looked up at Feng, giving the alien actor just enough time to get away with some of his face intact.

"Oh hey, are you here to deliver that chow mein I ordered an hour ago?" Paul asked with a stupid look on his face.

"What? No, I've come all the way from China." Feng replied in a calm, stoic tone.

Paul's eyes widened as a goofy grin spread on his face. "Wow, you guys deliver all the way from China? Kickass!"

Feng felt like facepalming really hard. "I am NOT here to deliver takeout, you big headed dimwit. I'm here on a journey of enlightenment."

Paul's face lit up as if Feng had said a key word. "Enlightenment? Hey, I know where you can get some enlightenment! Follow me!"

Paul hopped on his motorcycle and motioned for Feng to get on it with him. Feng just stared with a blank expression.

"Well?! Hurry it up, ching chong!" Paul said, annoyed.

Feng rolled his eyes and hopped on the motorcycle as Paul revved up the engine and sped off, popping a wheelie and leaving Feng clinging for dear life.

 _This man is a buffoon, but what if he is right? Does he know the secret to achieving enlightenment? I must know..._

With that in mind, Feng closed his eyes and remained calm in the midst of Paul's murderous driving. He felt closer to his goal than ever; if Paul truly knew the secret, his epic journey would finally be at an end.

Before long, the two of them arrived in a slum that seemed to be populated heavily by Asians. Feng looked around, amazed that such a place existed in America.

"Incredible... so is this where I will find enlightenment?" Feng asked.

"Hell yeah, bro! My buddy Law sells it by the kilo!"

"Ummm... what?" Feng asked, his eyebrow raising slightly.

The two of them arrived at a secluded alley inhabited by only one man in a white tanktop and black pants. He was looking around suspiciously while he stroked his stubble.

"Hey Marshall! We're here for some "enlightenment!" Paul said, looking at the puzzled Feng with a wink.

Law looked around once again before walking up to the motorcycle and presenting Paul with a tiny bottle.

"Alright, I'll give you the usual deal. 250." he said quietly, still looking around.

"Um, pardon me for asking, but what is going on here?" Feng asked. He snatched the bottle from Law's hand and examined it carefully. Suddenly, a shocked expression formed on his face.

"What the... OPIUM?!"

"Hey, be cool man! Keep your voice down." Paul muttered.

"YOU IGNORANT FOOLS!" Feng bellowed, throwing the bottle at Law. "I came here to seek inner peace, not drugs!"

"Uhhhh what's the difference?" the two of them asked, staring at Feng with a dumb expression.

"Gaaaah! I have wasted my time with you morons. Good day!"

Feng got off of the motorcycle and stormed off, leaving a puzzled Paul and Law still standing there.

"Um, you're gonna keep quiet about this, right?!" Law asked loudly.

But as soon as the words escaped Law's mouth, a black and white motorcycle sped into the alley, siren blazing.

"FWEEEZE!" Officer Lei shouted, aiming his pistol. "I've finally caught you two dumbasses!"

"Aw shit, it's Wulong!" Paul yelled.

"Move over!" Law yelled, leaping onto the motorcycle. The two of them tore up some asphalt as they hightailed it down the street, Lei following close behind.

"Huh... that was weird." Feng muttered to himself, scratching his head. "Now what do I do? I'm no closer to the end of my journey than when I began."

Deciding there was no other course of action, Feng just silently walked down the street. Once again, he was putting his faith in fate to steer him in the right direction.

After a long time of walking, Feng was once again starting to get bored. A few times along the way, he was starting to consider just turning around and going back to China.

"Hmmm... perhaps I am not ready to achieve peace with the universe yet. I guess I could always go back to training all da-OOF!"

Feng wasn't paying attention and plowed right into a very pale skinned man with a menacing look about him.

"Um...pardon me." Feng said politely.

The man continued to stare at Feng with his lifeless gray eyes.

"Um..."

His gaze was still unwavering... and unnerving.

"pardon..."

Feng gulped slightly as the man stroked his chin menacingly.

"...me?"

Finally, after 30 more seconds of the uncomfortable staring contest, the man gave a slight "hmph" and walked onward, his hands folded behind his back as if he was a distinguished officer. Feng let out a loud sigh of relief when the creepy black haired pale man was out of sight.

"What was that all about..." Feng muttered aloud as he continued on his way.

Feng made his way through the city until he got very tired and decided to sit down on a bench. On the bench beside him was a man dressed in a blue and red and parka and pants, and a white tanktop. He looked very familiar...

"Are you...?" Feng asked as he tapped the man's shoulder. He very slowly and nervously turned to face Feng, and as soon as Feng saw his face and emo bangs he knew exactly who it was.

"You're... Jin Kazama!" Feng exclaimed, to which he received a hand to his lips.

"Keep your voice down, dammit!" Jin whispered loudly.

"What are you doing in Americ... wait a minute... what's up with your hair?" Feng inquired. "It looks a different- OH SWEET BUDDHA ON A TREADMILL!"

Feng pulled off Jin's hood and revealed that his hair was completely blonde, right down to the bangs. Jin swatted his hand away with an annoyed grunt and pulled his hood back over his head.

"I... got it done when I arrived here." he said meekly. "There are some... people looking for me and I fled here to America to escape them. Aside from that... the fact of the matter is I've just f***ing had it with Japan." I'm tired of my dad always bitching about those times he had to pay child support, my nasty grandpa always sharing his old WWII stories about Chinese girls he f***ed, and all these random f***ing people trying to get revenge on me."

"Don't you think you've gone a little overboard? The hair, the clothes...".

"Nah. To be honest, I kinda like it here. Hot dogs, french fries, porn that doesn't involve tentacles... USA is pretty badass."

"I see. So, who is after you?"

"Oh, just some girl I went to school with named-"

"JIIIIIIIIIN!" a voice echoed in the distance. As soon as Jin heard the voice his body went completely stiff.

"Hey, are you okay?" Feng asked, tapping Jin a few times. His body was stiff as a wooden board.

"Carry...me..." Jin whispered. "HURRY!"

Feng looked in the distance and saw a short Chinese looking girl speeding in their direction, her pigtails flapping in the wind. Her hair was completely blonde and she had a blue tanktop that said _I LOVE NY._ Furthermore, and quite strangely at that, her chest was humongous. It looked almost unnatural...

"Is that who I think it is?" Feng muttered, squinting his eyes and examining closely. "Oh shit, it is."

"OH JIIIIIN!" Ling Xiaoyu yelled in a cheery tone. "As soon as I heard you moved to America, I followed you! Now we can be together! Look, I even had work done!"

Xiaoyu wiggled her chest back and forth as her huge gazongas danced inside her top. Jin leaped off of the bench and onto Feng like a scared cat leaps in a tree.

"MOVE YOUR ASS, FENG! RUN!"

Feng was too confused to even think, so he leaped to his feet and starting running down the street with Jin in his arms. Xiaoyu quickly closed distance behind them. As she chased them down the street, two large cantaloupes fell out of her top and hit the ground with a splat.

"JINNY BABY! LET'S GO WATCH AN ACTION MOVIE TOGETHER! BRUCE WILLIS? KEANU REEVES? LET'S GO GET FAT TOGETHER AT MCDONALDS!"

"Ugh, she's totally ruined America for me. Can you just take me back to Japan?" Jin asked, to which Feng grunted in annoyance.

"And how do you propose we get there?"

"I'll think of something! Just... go hide in that alley!"

Feng immediately turned right and into a dark, secluded alley. Xiaoyu tried to follow them, but she accidentally plowed into Bob (who was getting a chili dog from the local vendor) and was knocked unconscious. Since she was so petite, Bob didn't feel a thing and continued on his merry way.

"Whew! I think we lost her!" Jin said with a relieved pant.

"Good. Now get off of me." Feng grumbled as he tossed Jin onto the hard pavement. As Jin brushed himself off, Feng surveyed the area to make sure they weren't being followed.

"So what do we do now?" Feng asked. But he got no response.

"Hey, I'm talking to you."

Still no response.

"What is your pro-"

But when Feng turned around, Jin was once again frozen with fear.

"Ugh! What is it THIS time?!" Feng groaned in annoyance.

"Remember when I said I had people after me?" Jin squeaked.

"Yes."

"Well... it's not just one."

Feng squinted his eyes and looked carefully in the darkness. A shadowy figure emerged, eyes as cold and lifeless as the expression on his face. He had a pistol in one hand as his other hand stroked his chin. The pale skinned man looked just like the one Feng had bumped into earlier...

"Pardon me." the man said in an almost robotic tone. Feng's eyes widened; it WAS him.

"Uhhh should I pick you up again?" Feng asked.

"It would be very helpful." Jin replied fearfully.

With a lightning fast lunge, Feng scooped up Jin and took off out of the alley and down the street. Dragunov grunted slightly and charged after them, not caring who saw him waving a handgun.

"So what did you do to this guy?!" Feng asked as he continued to sprint.

"Oh I dunno. I think I invaded his country or some shit."

"Dammit Jin, no wonder everyone hates you."

"Hey, I had to be an asshole to wake up that purple dragon thing!"

"Why the hell am I carrying you?!"

"Because you're a decent human being?"

"Agh, fine!"

The two of them ran fast as lightning, but Feng could only run so fast with Jin in his arms. Dragunov was slowly catching up. As he got closer, he pulled back the hammer on his gun and prepared to aim.

"Lord Buddha, is this really how I'm going to die? Please, show me mercy!" Feng begged to the heavens above. Right then at that very moment, Dragunov slipped and fell facefirst into one of the cantaloupes that had fallen out of Xiaoyu's tanktop. That tiny blunder gave them just enough time to get away for good.

Feng didn't stop running until he reached the closest airport. Without thinking, Jin handed over all of the US money in his pocket and got them both first class tickets to Japan. When the plane finally took off, they two of them were able to relax.

"So what's next for you?" Jin asked Feng, who had his eyes closed and was breathing deeply.

"My journey continues..." Feng said in a stoic tone, not even opening his eyes.

"Oh. Uh... that's cool. Did you find what you were looking for in America?"

"No. Just two dopeheads and you."

"Sorry about that, heh heh."

"Perhaps Japan is where I will achieve enlightenment." Feng said, opening his eyes to admire the view out the window. "As Buddha's disciple, it is my lifelong purpose to seek out a state of inner peace. But I fear that peace will never come..."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, I don't think I'll ever find peace either. I'll always have an asshole family, a stalker girlfriend, and a billion people who want to brutally murder me. So just remember, it could always be worse."

The plane arrived in Japan the next day, and Feng and Jin went their separate ways with a bow of respect. Feng took in his surroundings; he hadn't been here since he raided the Mishima vaults during the King of Iron Fist Tournament 5. Japan was quite a beautiful place.

"Now, where to next..." Feng muttered. He decided to just walk like he had for so long now on this journey.

Along the way, he stumbled across Mishima High School. He stopped and took a moment to admire the large facility. But as he was looking around, he noticed an old man in the nearby bushes.

"Hmmm... who is that?" Feng pondered. He quietly made his way over to the bushes and sat down right beside the man. As soon as he saw the old man's face, he recognized him as Wang Jinrei.

"Master Wang!" Feng exclaimed aloud.

"AH! WHA? WHO?" Wang mumbled, looking around quite confused. He rubbed his eyes a few times and then looked at Feng.

"Are you the tv repairman?" Wang asked. "It's about time! I've gone a whole week without my nudie girls!"

"Master, you are mistaken. I am Feng Wei, of the Kenpo style. May I ask what you are doing in these bushes?"

"Well since my tv broke, I had to get my entertainment elsewhere." Wang said with a chuckle as he pointed towards the school pool. Feng looked over and saw multiple high school girls in one piece swimsuits, completely oblivious to the old pervert watching them.

"Oh... uh... I see." Feng stammered, rubbing his forehead slightly.

"So what brings you here, my young one?"

"Well you see, I have come here to seek inner peace. But everywhere I go, turmoil seems to plague me. I fear that enlightenment is lost to me forever..."

Wang sat down in a meditative position and stroked his beard as if he was about to share some infinite wisdom.

"Hmmm... well young one, allow me to share with you an ancient Chinese proverb."

A look of pure enthusiasm spread across Feng's face as he sat down in a meditative position and turned his full focus to the wise master.

"A bear who shits in the woods will find happiness, but when he does not bury the shit and his master scolds him and he doesn't get a tasty salmon treat, then he will... get angry and murder one of the servants. And then I'll have to keep quiet about it because I was playing checkers with the old bastard Mishima that day..."

"Uhhhh... master?"

Wang stopped rambling and turned to Feng.

"Oh, hi! Are you the tv repairman? Hurry it up already! I'm missing the topless volleyball marathon!"

Feng's eye twitched ever so slightly. Without a word, he got up and gave a solemn bow.

"I'll mail you the bill!" Wang shouted.

 _Another dead end. It seems that my journey will never come to it's conclusion. If only I could have some sort of sign... please, show me the way!_

As Feng closed his eyes and silently prayed for a push in the right direction, he suddenly heard a loud booming voice.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE, YOU PERVS!"

"Gah!" Feng grunted as he swung around and looked at the source of the voice. It seems that one of the girls had finally spotted the two of them peeping.

"Keep working on that breast stroke, ladies!" Wang shouted. "Emphasis on breast!"

"You tea sipping, pai sho playing, limp dick old f***ing prune! What did I tell you about coming over here with your wrinkly ass?!"

Feng squinted his eyes and looked at the girl who was yelling. He couldn't explain it, but the girl gave him an ominous feeling...

"Uhhhhhh was it "you can come watch us splash in the pool any time, you old sex machine?" Wang said with an oblivious look.

"ARRRRGH! That's it, I'm coming to kick your ass!"

Feng watched as the girl ran to the fence and leaped over it gracefully. As she got closer and closer, Feng studied her harder and harder.

"Now where have I seen her before... where...where...?!" Feng said repeatedly.

"YOU F***ING OLD BAG OF DUST! I'LL TEACH YOU TO COME OVER HERE AND OGLE ME! YOU PROLLY CAN'T EVEN GET IT UP ANYWAY!" she screamed while she pounded Wang into the dirt. Oddly enough, Wang seemed to enjoy it.

"Yes, hit me harder! I like it rough, you sexy slut!" Wang said, giggling obnoxiously all the while getting punched in the face.

Before Feng even realized, the girl had finished whooping Wang's ass and was now staring at him with daggers. But when she saw his face, a shocked expression formed.

"YOU! You're that son of a..." she stammered.

"Perhaps I bumped into her while I was boarding a bus?" Feng inquired, completely ignoring the girl.

"I've been waiting for this moment!" the girl yelled, dramatically pointing her finger at the oblivious Feng.

"Hmmm... there was that one girl that I talked to at the noodle shop..."

"Hey, are you even listening?!"

"No wait, she had black hair."

"I'LL GET REVENGE FOR MY FATHEEEEER!" the girl yelled as she charged at Feng, who was still in his own little world and not even paying attention.

"Man, I'm tired. All this searching for inner peace can really tire a man out."

Just as the girl was preparing to punch, Feng let out a huge yawn and stretched his arms, smacking her in the face and knocking her unconscious instantly.

Suddenly, Feng felt completely different inside him. It was a warm, fuzzy feeling that was unlike anything he had ever felt.

"What's... happening to me? It's as if all my burdens have been lifted!" Feng exclaimed aloud. "What could this mean? Could this be... the peace I've been looking for?"

Though he had no idea what the feeling was or why it had just occurred, Feng was feeling 100% better about himself. If only he had realized that all he had to do this whole time was defeat Asuka Kazama, the one thorn in his side who was never going to leave him alone EVER. Ah well, ignorance is bliss.

"I can feel it...my journey is finally at an end..."

With that revelation, Feng began the long journey back to China, feeling truly enlightened for the first time.

 **THE END**


End file.
